Clam-Tastic!

I’m in the juice isle at the grocery store a couple of days ago when I happen across a container of Clamato. Now, I’ve seen this item before and cruised by it. You’ll not be shocked to learn that I’m not the avid juice drinker. If I didn’t have kids, it’s safe to say I’d never have any idea what bizarre genetically altered alien fruit Ocean Spray is diabolically combining with cranberries this year. Combining juices seems to be the order of the day. Why would you drink apple juice when you could have a condensation beaded glass of banana apple kiwi cocktail? Simply put, you wouldn’t. Still, I pondered the container of Clamato. I saw the “mato” and figured, rightly, that this was some sort of tomato blended beverage. It was the “Cla” part of the label that troubled me. What fruit or vegetable did those three letters abbreviate? I was horrified at what I discovered.


I...I don't understand...

There was no “Cla” fruit at all. It was CLAM. It was the shelled sea animal. In fact, it wasn’t just that animal. It was…. God help us… its juice. Now, before this moment the idea that a living creature could be “juiced” had never crossed my mind. Thinking about it at all, animals wouldn’t produce juice so much as snot, blood, urine and/or puss. All sounding more and more delicious when blended with pureed tomatoes as I thought of them. What in God’s name would make someone combine clam squeezins’ with tomato juice? What would make someone else want to drink it?


I'm thirsty already!

It was like discovering pickled pig’s feet all over again.

It’s not like clams aren’t delicious enough on their own. Why, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to eat a food that looks and smells like it just fell out of Granny Clampet’s panties. What part of the clam experience makes you want to drink it?


It'll put hair on your chest!

Is this the only beverage of its type on the market? Will I be minding my business picking out my passion fruit cherry prune juice when I come upon a bottle of “Slugberry”? How about “Roachanana”? How would you like a juice-box of “Orangopuss”? Perhaps someone could find “Rasbollypolly” refreshing. Mmmm mmmm. Nothing would hit the spot like an ice cold glass of “Shrimple cider”. Mommy, let’s go to the store this instant and pick up a six pack of “Leachamelon”.