My, Ward.

By Adam Greene

In case you’re not yet acquainted with Ward Churchill, you should probably know that he wants you dead. It’s okay, though. He wants me dead too. In fact, if you have a checking account, a 401 k plan, credit card, or actually work for your money, according to Churchill, you’re a Nazi. And all this time you thought you were just a lowly data processor. Stupid you.



Ward, when not actively calling for your death and destruction, spends his spare time as an ethnic studies professor at The University of Colorado at Boulder (Go Buffs!). With Ward being an anarchist and all, you’d think it might be a tad hypocritical to teach at a state run college that gets state and federal money derived from taxing people (Nazis, remember) who work. You’d be right, of course, but you must understand that Ward, evidently, thinks U of C’s money comes from magical gold-shitting leprechauns and talking eagles with jetpacks. When Governor Bill Owens and the people of Colorado wanted to fire him after finding out he called the victims of the 9/11 attacks "little Eichmanns", Ward actually said, "I do not work for taxpayers. I do not work for Bill Owens."

See?

But Ward’s lack of knowledge on how things actually work doesn’t end there. He also thinks you can be an Indian just by deciding you are. The United Keetoowah Band of Cherokee, for some crazy reason, doesn’t agree. They think you have to actually BE an Indian to be considered an Indian. What the Hell is their problem? I, for one, like Ward’s idea about deciding various things about yourself and making them true. Just now I have decided that I am the starting quarterback of the St. Louis Rams. Suck on that, people who live in reality. And Coach Martz, I guess I’ll see you at practice tomorrow morning after I transport in from my starship.

The problem this is causing Ward, as he continues to fight to keep his job at his state run, taxpayer funded university, is that the reason he was hired into the Ethnic Studies Department is that they thought he was, you know… ethnic. They wanted an actual Indian, if you can believe it, having already hired all the goofy looking man-boobed white dudes that they needed.



Being asked if he was fake Indian was something that Ward wouldn’t stand for. He did what any true champion of anarchy and despiser of the American system would do. He hired a lawyer.

In a statement released in response to the U of C’s questioning of Ward’s faux Indian-ness, Ward’s lawyer asked, "Do you wish to employ the Nazi standard for racial purity?" Which blows my mind because I had no idea that Nazi Germany went around asking college professors if they were fake Indians. Diabolical.

You’d think with all this legal trouble, threats of firing and wanting to see you and me blown to smithereens, a lesser anarchist would let themselves go. Why, normally when you come across someone who hates America as much as Ward, they look as if they’ve just been shit out of an elephant's ass.



Not Ward. Just look at that streaking. It takes a lot of trips to the salon to keep those white locks pristine. You can’t just show up once a month, sit down in front of your coloring specialist, and expect consistent results like that.



Good Lord, people. Do you think that color like that can be bought over the counter? Don’t make me puke. No, it takes a constant commitment and multiple visits to keep such a luxurious mane of ivory among those ebon tresses. Marvelous.



And look at those nails. Did the Vietnamese immigrant girl who cut, polished and buffed them know that her race’s champion sat just inches from her impoverished face? Did she have the honor of filing bunions, calluses and adding French tips to his giant pretend aboriginal feet? What an inspiration to oil and massage the very hands that will someday loose the bonds of your oppression.

Here’s to you Ward Churchill. As an anarchist who fakes being an Indian, draws money from a state school, takes weekly trips to the beauty/nail salon and wishes all Americans with jobs dead, you are a true inspiration to everyone who enjoys watching an asshole drown in a sea of his own irony and hypocrisy. I salute you.

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Lameness 101

By Adam Greene

Ajai Raj, you’ll be shocked to learn, is not a brand new Star Wars Episode 3 action figure with a working jet pack and rocket launcher. He is, in fact, this guy.



And last Tuesday, unable to sit idly by while Ann Coulter spoke at an event she was paid to attend, he took a stand for all who oppose conservatism and intolerance and asked her about buttsex before pretending to jerk off as he ran for the door.

You know, I don’t use the word hero very much, but this young man masturbatory gestured his way into my heart.

The lameness of a generation, so long without any focus or specific moment of clarity, now had been given a face. The face of Ajai Raj Kenobi.



Ann Coulter, for those of you who don’t know, writes books and articles that actually have very little if anything to do with anal sex. These writings, recently, have angered leftist people so much that they have felt compelled to toss desserts at her. And while they did strike a delicious blow for creamy justice, their lameness had not reached a perfect enfeebled crescendo. There was just so much more impotent, irrelevant and goofy things that could be done.

And Ann, the bitch that she is, had yet to be deterred from showing up at places that send her money to be there. Where did she get off?

With Coulter scheduled to speak at his own school, the University of Texas, Ajai Raj Chewbacca knew exactly what he must do; Question her extensively about ass fucking before fleeing the room as he mimed pleasuring himself like a chimp. That sound you just heard was "check" and "mate", my friends.

What Ajai Raj Raj Binks wasn’t ready for, it seems, was getting arrested for disorderly conduct afterwards and taken to a jail cell where all his ass pounding questions were answered definitively once and for all.

You can read his open letter whining about it here.

My problem with what Ajai Qui-Gon Raj did has nothing to do with asking Coulter about ass banditry, or sprinting from the scene tugging an imaginary penis. All that is fine. I’m cool with it. My problem is that this was the best he could come up with? Shame indeed.

Reading past the obvious snot-bubble sobs that accompany his letter, Ajai Raj Palpatine writes, "I know I didn't slay the insidious evil that is Ann Coulter, but I did give her pause. She can easily go to another college or hoedown or whatever and spew her tired rhetoric without worrying about me. But I'm not the only one who feels this way. Other people will call her on her shit."

That means that he obviously intended this statement to mean something. Not just for him and the University of Texas but for all the entire Sith empire. I can’t imagine how he could have failed more miserably.

The "shit" Ajai Raj Calrissian is referring to is Coulter’s opposition to gay marriage. Something that, if I remember correctly, every single democratic presidential and vice presidential nominee since 1992 has been against. Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act. And, of course, Al Gore, Joe Lieberman, John Edwards, and the guy that Ajai Raj Sidious voted for in the last election, John Eff Kerry all have publicly stated that they are against gay marriage. So, yeah, you can see why, regarding homosexual matrimony, Ann Coulter, specifically, must be called on her "shit".

Feeling the need to shit call someone is no excuse to suck at it. So, now, as a public service to anyone out there who wants to stand in front of a microphone at an Ann Coulter Q and A and hurt her feelings, I will show you how it’s done.

There have been jokes and message board posts going around for a couple of years about Ann Coulter really being a man. They’ll find a picture with an odd shadow around her neck and claim it’s an Adam’s apple. Stuff like that. This Just In even did an episode about Newport winning an award for an article debunking Ann Coulter’s manhood. This is fertile territory and I’m sure, every time she comes across something like this, it burns her ass up.

So here’s what you, the asswipe Ajai Raj 2D2’s of the world need to do the next time Ann Coulter receives money to appear at one of your universities. When you get your turn at the mike, ask the following question:

"Since you’ve stated your opposition to gay marriage so vehemently, do you think that might be why a post-op transsexual like yourself has such trouble settling down with a good man?"

See? How hard was that? It took me, maybe, thirty seconds to come up with it and I couldn't care less about Ann Coulter. If Ajai Raj Tarkin had asked that question, he could have strolled out of the auditorium comfortably feigning masturbation with BOTH hands while the audience tossed roses at his feet and sumptuous young women exposed their breasts for him. Arrested? No sir. Carried out on a throne made of Cadbury Cream Eggs would be more likely the case. Returning to his dorm room, he would find an orgy of young naked women covered in candy and hundred dollar bills waiting to pleasure him throughout the night and teach him all they could about having sex with their asses.

To sum up, shitstains like Ajai Raj need to do a better job of offending people if they want to get their clip on The Daily Show. As it is, all he did was make some new friends of the mouth breathers at Daily Kos, sell about forty thousand more books for Ann Coulter and landed her an appearance on The Tonight Show May 10th. Well done.

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