Bigfootery

First, let me stop you. No, you aren’t looking at the new Famous Sasquatch Bowl with Biscuit and Entrails™ from KFC. This is, in fact, Bigfoot.

Maybe.

Possibly.

Okay, probably not.

But, man, for a few minutes you really had to think about it. It wouldn’t change the world the same way an alien ship landing on The White House lawn might, but still you have to admit that it would make the world feel a little different the next day. It would open a whole new era of possibilities for what might be out there in the woods… the dramatic search that would ensue for more of these creatures… and the eventual prosecutions, horrific injuries and night vision internet videos resulting from the inevitable attempts at having sex with them.



The story broke across the world wide web sometime Wednesday when these two fine fellows, Skip Ketchupstain (L) and Puddin Corntooth (R)...



...claimed they stumbled upon the dead Sasquatch, pictured in the above Igloo beer cooler, while traipsing around the woodlands of Northern Georgia during a private hiking trip they were sharing, just the two of them, out of sight from any judgmental family members, alone in the deep, dank, muggy woods, that was in no way gay.



Puddin recounts approaching the body after removing his fanny pack, mini back pack and taking his orange Hello Kitty cowboy hat in his hands, telling reporters, “I recognized it was unusual right away. The first thing that pops into your head is that it’s Bigfoot.”



With the find of the millennium in their freezer making their ice taste funny, they did what any other serious researcher would do; announce it to a web-only podcast hosted by a guy, Tom Biscardi, already busted a few years before for claiming to have a captured Bigfoot that he kept in a cage in his backyard drinking a Yoohoo.



With a legend like Biscardi in their corner, Puddin and Skip were surprised to learn some people were a little skeptical of their claims… not that they were in the woods NOT, repeat, NOT being gay, but while they were out there alone not being gay, that they found a Bigfoot and then stuffed him in the freezer next to an open bag of Orieda tater tots.



Stinging from the rebukes of every serious Bigfoot researcher in the world… And I want you to think about that statement for a minute… rebukes… from Bigfoot researchers… I don’t know if “stinging” is a powerful enough word for what that has to feel like, but, anyway, where was I? Yeah, the entire Sasquatch enthusiast scientific network all the way from the metropolises of North Saskatchewan to the intellectual centers of Polecat Bay, Florida had turned a jaundiced conjunctive eye to their spectacular findings.



Sure, all Puddin and Skip had to do to prove they had an actual Bigfoot-cicle in their freezer was to publicly present the body to the media and scientific community, but there had to be a better way. But what?

The answer was obvious, of course. With no other options, Puddin and Skip dropped Skip’s brother, Patchy Stinkfinger, off at the airport, claimed he was a scientist named Dr. Paul Van Buren (completely missing out on the more obvious name choice of Dr. Eggbert Von McEinstien Jr.), and brought him out to their luxurious estate to see and take tissue samples from the totally real Bigfoot Push-pop they discovered completely heterosexually in the wilderness.

For some crazy reason, this did not work and soon Skip, Puddin and Patchy had to release another video telling all those “internet stalkers” exactly why they perpetrated the hoax. But that should be obvious, to make everyone doubting them feel like complete total dumbasses. So, checkmate unbelievers. You can consider yourself served, bitches!

These young completely straight woodsmen finally decided to rely on the advice of the biggest expert in the field of Bigfeet, the aforementioned Tom Biscardi, holding a startling press conference where they presented their pictures and some DNA evidence, but no body, to the world in the conference room of a Super 8. The findings have already blown the lid off all known Sasquatch research. Just read this from the first round of DNA testing:

“Of three samples in a preliminary DNA test, one came back inconclusive, one contained traces of human DNA and one had traces of opossum DNA”

Bigfoot is not a primate at all, but some bizarre, hell-borne mutation of man and Possum. You read right, God help us all Bigfoot is in reality POSSUM MAN!



How fucked up is that? I may never sleep soundly knowing that every time I pass a dead possum splattered out in the middle of the road it could actually be the larval form of one of these noble creatures. I may never be able to drive at night… or comfortably eat at my aunt’s house, for that matter, ever again.

We now get to watch this story as it develops. These heroes will one day allow each and every one of us to take a good, long look into the lifeless eyes of what may be the missing link... something thought of as a monster by many… something described as possessing a terrible noxious smell that burns the nose and stings the eyes. And then, after we’ve finished looking at and smelling Biscardi, maybe we’ll take a glance at that fake Bigfoot they’ve got in the refrigerator too.