25 to Where?

In the Zone Video Game Review
By Adam Greene
02/05/2006

The Game: 25 to Life
Publisher: Eidos
For: PC, X Box and Playstation 2
Rated: M
Website: www.25tolife.com

In approaching my first game review, I wanted to come up with a new kind of ratings system for my final verdict. Doing some half-assed research in the nerd cesspool of video game press, I found that the most popular method of analysis seems to be the ten point scale.

Now, there is some variation here. You have what I like to refer to as the “Sane Human Being Method”, exemplified like so:

“I found the game enjoyable. It did have some problems, but I give it a 7 out of 10,”

This review works. It’s easy to understand and was obviously written by a person who can properly function in society.

The problem is, that’s not what you see most of the time. What you do find is what I like to call “The 45 Year-Old Potential Serial Killer with a Wallet Chain, Splotchy Beard and Aquaman T-shirt Stretched Tight Over a Bulbous Belly and Tucked Into His Black Jeans Approach”, which, frighteningly, looks like this:

“I’m afraid I must give this game’s graphics an 8.2, while the sound gets a 7.5, The controls get a 7.9, while the gameplay receives an 8.3. Finally, for lastability and genre appeal, I’m going to have to give Super Mario Shroomin’ Lemonade Stand a 9,8 for the return to its playful platformer roots, so hard to find in our new obsession with all things HD and 3D.”

A person who would write a review like this is clearly not only a serious danger to himself and those around him, but also anyone who lives within driving distance of his VW van.

A handful of mavericks out there assign stars or point their thumbs up or down, but I say “screw that.” I don’t want to consult some sort of metric star conversion chart to figure out if I need to buy a game and neither do you. Plus, I want to play the damn game. I can’t be shoving and poking my thumbs in every direction. I need them for the controller.

When it comes to video games, here’s what I think about: “Should I buy it, rent it, or skip it.” So that’s going to be my system. It may vary some. I may word it differently, but at the end of the day, you’ll know whether the game designers deserve a pat on the back or a crane kick to the balls.

So let’s do this.



25 to Life is the newest addition to the thug game genre which has grown so crowded of late that it’s fast becoming the American answer to the Japanese big-eyed, whiney, androgynous teenage-boy RPG’s. And it’s almost as disturbing. One of the things that makes video games so successful is that they allow the average person a certain degree of fantasy fulfillment. As a kid, I dreamed about being a Jedi Knight, NFL Superstar, kick ass space marine and jet fighter pilot. You know what I never imagined myself doing? Selling crack or killing a prostitute. Looking at the popularity of these crime based titles, I must have been alone in that.

In story mode, you start out playing Andre “Freeze” Francis who has just returned home after a long day of whipping prostitutes with car antennas and selling rock cocaine. His son Darnell greets him at the door, brimming with pride at all the caps his father has been popping in bustas throughout his workday. His wife, Monica, on the other hand, isn’t quite as enamored with the government housing unit and 20 inch TV purchased from the local pawn shop as her son is. After sharing a kiss, Monica gets angry because she smelled Freeze’s gangsta friend Shaun on his clothes.



Yes. Let me write that again, She SMELLS Shaun. On Freeze’s body.

Now, to this point I could have imagined the life of a hard core drug dealing banger on the corner, and, I have to tell you, somehow getting your friend’s musky stank all over you didn’t really seem like part of the job description. This subplot is never revisited in the game, and we’re only left to wonder about Shaun and Freeze’s love that dare not speak its name.

Thank God.



Monica and her giant breasts demand that Freeze “get out the game.” Which is great advice, not only for him, but for anyone who has made the mistake of purchasing or renting 25 to Life. Freeze meets back up with Shaun and, resisting the urge to make sweaty man love, they cut a deal that will get Freeze “out the game” after one last drug buy. Of course, Shaun sets Freeze up and this is where our own “game” begins.



The genius of Grand Theft Auto’s gameplay is that, while you’re a bad guy, you don’t have to be too bad. You can jack cars, nail prostitutes and set criminals on fire, sure. But, in committing all those felonies, you can still avoid killing innocent people and police officers. Which is a positive thing if, you know, you’re not a sociopath. 25 to Life doesn’t give you those options.

In the opening level, the game forces you to shoot around 472 police officers right in the face. Even worse, as the poor bastards die they’ll say things like “Oh Jesus, please forgive me for all my sins.” Way to hammer home the fact that I’m playing as an evil, murderous piece of shit. Thanks, designers. You could have at least mentioned “This title will make you hate yourself” as a game feature on the box.

Gameplay itself is clunky and unresponsive. Your character runs like he’s been smoking his own product and the aim controls are only passable once you change the default look sensitivity settings. Even then, they take a while to get used to, as you have to forcibly unlearn all the muscle memory you’ve acquired from playing well designed third person shooters like Max Payne, Socom and Hitman.

Which brings me to Eidos, the publisher. They’re the same company that makes Hitman. Was there no way to put Hitman’s engine into this game? The only thing it would have changed, from what I can tell, is that my thug ass murdering idiot couldn’t hop around like a moron while widowing every policeman’s wife within a four state area. Is there a demand for more hopping in third person shooters that I don’t know about? Was somebody playing Super Mario Sunshine one day, thinking, “You know what this game needs? More shotgun blasts to the gonads. I’ve got to find someone who can make this dream happen.”

You’re not stuck playing as Freeze for the entire game. You also get the pleasure of playing as his boyfriend Shaun, who, believe it or not, is an even bigger douchebag. For a brief respite you do get to be Detective Lester Williams and gun down enemies free of guilt. What you can’t do is keep your rookie partner alive or keep his dumb ass from shooting you in the back of the head anytime he’s behind you. The enemy A.I. isn’t any better. Their tactical strategy consists of jogging straight at you until they run out of ammo, then standing out in the open while reloading. To make up for that, though, the designers made each enemy a crack shot from any distance, regardless of the weapon being used. Idiots.



It was while trying out the online play where I had the most fun with the game. Not with any of the mediocre multi-player options, but with the character modifications. You start out with some generic gang and police models, but using the features you unlock while making your way through the story mode, you can create some awesome guys like my Star Spangled Ninja Gangster.




Or my police officer who looked like Kevin Federline dressed up like Chuck Norris for Halloween. I don’t know how I could have been more pleased.



The online games themselves are just gangster riffs on “slayer” and “capture the flag,” all without any of the game controls that make them fun. I took it online on a Saturday night along with plenty of other people who’d made the mistake of buying or renting the game. I played three “wars” and, feeling like I had taken enough abuse for the 9ine team, turned it off for good. Usually getting the opportunity to shoot strangers from all over the world in the neck and upper torso is enough to keep me entertained for an evening. Not this time. Even watching my Kevin Federline/Chuck Norris guy get riddled with bullets couldn’t keep me interested. A fact that, even now, seems almost impossible to believe.

The verdict: No surprise here, Skip It.