Horse Anal!

By Adam Greene

A few days ago, the entire world was shocked by the story of a man dying after having sex with a horse. There was a barrage of animal sex stories last week like this, including one about a blind man who sucked off his seeing eye dog. But, to this point, none of the animal love had been fatal. Hell, Ted Rall has been fucking male goats for years and has yet to catch so much as a cold.



"My life is constant goat fuckin' and suckin'"

How did this horse humper die?

I had assumed that, tiring of his tiny penis, a female horse had kicked him in the stomach, causing him fatal injuries. I couldn't have been more wrong. This guy was doing something so bizarre that even Ted Rall hadn't yet thought of it.

The man was with a male horse. And he wasn't having sex with it. He was making it have sex with him.

The Millionnaire...and his wife....

Yes, the horse fucked the guy in the ass ...until it killed him.

Killed by a horse dick.

Oh, and by the way, the guy was video taping it.

My mind, much like this dead guy's colon, had been completley blown.

The thing is, it wasn't just this dead guy and his distended anus. There was, evidently, an entire internet webring that would venture out into these farms and let the animals Ajai Raj them right in the keister. And they didn't just use this guy's horses, they used the neighbors' too.

One article says, "The neighbors had no idea their barn and horses were being used for sex. They don't want their names, or faces or property shown, they told me they are freaked out and repulsed by what investigators say happened."

I can't imagine why. Last Christmas you made your daughter's all-time holiday wish come true with a brand new pony she's named Apple Jack and now you have a VHS tape of her favorite gift turning some human abberation's brown eye blue...until it fucking kills him.


"Dad, why is Strawberry acting so weird today?"

Why would something like that be disturbing?

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Clam-Tastic!

I’m in the juice isle at the grocery store a couple of days ago when I happen across a container of Clamato. Now, I’ve seen this item before and cruised by it. You’ll not be shocked to learn that I’m not the avid juice drinker. If I didn’t have kids, it’s safe to say I’d never have any idea what bizarre genetically altered alien fruit Ocean Spray is diabolically combining with cranberries this year. Combining juices seems to be the order of the day. Why would you drink apple juice when you could have a condensation beaded glass of banana apple kiwi cocktail? Simply put, you wouldn’t. Still, I pondered the container of Clamato. I saw the “mato” and figured, rightly, that this was some sort of tomato blended beverage. It was the “Cla” part of the label that troubled me. What fruit or vegetable did those three letters abbreviate? I was horrified at what I discovered.


I...I don't understand...

There was no “Cla” fruit at all. It was CLAM. It was the shelled sea animal. In fact, it wasn’t just that animal. It was…. God help us… its juice. Now, before this moment the idea that a living creature could be “juiced” had never crossed my mind. Thinking about it at all, animals wouldn’t produce juice so much as snot, blood, urine and/or puss. All sounding more and more delicious when blended with pureed tomatoes as I thought of them. What in God’s name would make someone combine clam squeezins’ with tomato juice? What would make someone else want to drink it?


I'm thirsty already!

It was like discovering pickled pig’s feet all over again.

It’s not like clams aren’t delicious enough on their own. Why, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to eat a food that looks and smells like it just fell out of Granny Clampet’s panties. What part of the clam experience makes you want to drink it?


It'll put hair on your chest!

Is this the only beverage of its type on the market? Will I be minding my business picking out my passion fruit cherry prune juice when I come upon a bottle of “Slugberry”? How about “Roachanana”? How would you like a juice-box of “Orangopuss”? Perhaps someone could find “Rasbollypolly” refreshing. Mmmm mmmm. Nothing would hit the spot like an ice cold glass of “Shrimple cider”. Mommy, let’s go to the store this instant and pick up a six pack of “Leachamelon”.

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